Jay Warren’s 2020 Guide To Fighting Racism & Police Brutality for White People

Hey Everybody!

The purpose of this guide is to help people navigate fighting racism and police brutality in America. I’ll address some of the most common questions that I get asked, answering with my personal beliefs. Please understand that racial topics are extremely complex, and at the end of the day I can only speak to my experiences and perspective on life. I’ll be answering one question per week. I’d suggest subscribing to the blog in order to stay updated. If you have questions you’d like to ask or comments you’d like to share please feel free to shoot me an email: contact@jywrrn.com.

I’m very glad the country is starting to have these discussions. They are so important and have already helped many people to better understand the world around them. Throughout the coming weeks and months we will all be forced to address some difficult realities about ourselves and the world around us. An important thing to remember will be that we are all growing, and growth cannot happen without first being uncomfortable. Thanks for tuning in, and hopefully you gain something of value from the coming posts. 

Question 1: I think saying Black Lives Matter excludes other people. Isn’t All Lives Matter a better phrase? 

A: This is easily one of the top 5 questions I’ve been asked since 2016, and in order to really understand the concept we must understand the history of the Black Lives Matter movement. 

Black Lives Matter was founded in 2013 in response to the acquittal of Trayvon Martin’s murderer. The Trayvon Martin case was certainly not the first time black Americans have been let down by the criminal justice system, but it would mark the beginning of a more conscious movement to seek change as to how black Americans are treated in society. After the murder of Trayvon Martin and subsequent aquittal of his killer, many black Americans felt as though our lives didn’t seem to matter as much in American society. It felt all too reminiscent of George Stinney (14), Emmett Till (14), The Central Park 5 (14-16), and Latasha Harlins (15). These cases represent scars in the flesh of Black America that have never truly healed. They taught us that the color of our skin was seen as a threat to white Americans and any attempt to seek justice for our own was always going to be an uphill battle. Black Lives Matter is a distress call, a cry for help, an attempt to be seen as equal in the eyes of our society. It is not meant to say that black lives matter more than other lives, or that other races do not have their own difficulties and hardships. It is a call to focus on the needs of Black America. 

Throughout the following years, multiple cases of police officers shooting unarmed or innocent Black Americans were thrust into the national spotlight creating a specific point of focus for the Black Lives Matter movement. Again, Black Lives Matter is a specific movement with goals of eradicating white supremacy and building local power to intervene in violence inflicted on Black communities by the state and vigilantes. It does not attempt to try and fix all issues within the black community, which it shouldn’t. 

To illustrate the oddity of replying “All Lives Matter” to a Black Lives Matter supporter I often use the analogy of running for a charity. Every year over 1 million people participate in the Susan G. Komen Race for the Cure. Proceeds of the race are donated to help find the cure for breast cancer. No one has ever held signs at the finish line that read, “All Cancers Matter!” That is obvious. No one wants people to die from any type of cancer, and cures are always being researched. However, this race is to benefit breast cancer research specifically. 

It is a universal truth that all lives matter. The Black Lives Matter movement has never disputed that. We are specifically advocating for the lives of black people in America. When someone retorts “All Lives Matter” in response to “Black Lives Matter” they become the person at the end of a breast cancer run holding the “All Cancers Matter” sign. What is even more depressing about the All Live Matter campaign is that it fails to offer any help to anyone. All Lives Matter is not a movement advocating for a specific cause. There is no official website, no mission statement, no goal. It is a generic phrase that people say to make themselves feel as though they are contributing to society in some meaningful way. Who has All Lives Matter helped since the inception of the phrase in 2013? What aid have they offered to anyone? Replying “All Lives Matter”, as some sort of counterclaim, is to hear a cry for help, deny it, and then offer no assistance. 

Hopefully this has been a helpful answer. I encourage you to do a bit of research on George Stinney, Emmett Till, The Central Park 5, and Latasha Harlins. They offer a contextual framework for how we as Black Americans view the criminal justice system. Thank you again for reading!

Question 2: Why do Black Lives Matter supporters call out white people so much? I’m not a cop and I’ve never killed a black person.

A: If you would have asked me this question a few weeks ago I would’ve only had one answer, but the more people (white and black) that I’ve spoken to I’ve discovered another reason. Let’s break them both down. One of the reasons Black Lives Matter supporters seem to call out white people so much is because we need your numbers. I’ve mentioned this before, that in order for policymakers to make changes to the current system they need to feel pressure from their constituents. A politicians job is to stay elected, and you stay elected by keeping the majority of your constituency happy. In America, the majority of voters are white. Black Americans are quite literally the minority. That may seem redundant but there’s a point to be made here. If the minority of a population has a specific issue that requires attention from a political leader, but that minority does not hold enough voting power to garner that political leader's attention it is unlikely the politician will focus on that issue. If a minority group doesn’t have the voting power the other option to gain attention is financial pressure. If that minority group does not have the financial power to gain the attention of that politician they are, once again, likely ignored. This is where the majority comes in. It is the obligation of the majority (white Americans) to advocate for the minority (black Americans). Unless White America helps to bring Black issues to the political foreground they continue to take a metaphorical back seat. So, the Black Lives Matter Movement has been so critical of white people, in part, because we quite literally need your support in order for these issues to become a priority to American policymakers. We’ve started to see this happen over the last week especially. Cities that have continually held protests are starting to see policy changes from their local and state officials. This is only because enough voting pressure has been applied to those legislators. They know unless they change something they won’t be re-elected. 

The second reason is much more personal. Over the course of the last two weeks I have learned that the discussions surrounding race and racism in white homes and black homes have been very different. From what has been explained to me by my white friends and associates, I gather that many white people believe Abraham Lincoln ended slavery, and Martin Luther King Jr. ended racism in the 1960’s. That has been a hard pill for me to swallow. I mentioned in an Instagram Live post that my current struggle is giving white people the benefit of the doubt when they explain, “We didn’t know these things were happening.” I’ve been told that in many white homes the conversation surrounding race was either non-existent or very brief. “We treat everyone the same, and everyone is equal.” That was it! That genuinely blows my mind. No conversations surrounding George Stinney, Emmett Till, Rodney King, The Central Park 5, Latasha Harlins, or Trayvon Martin, just to name a few. Growing up black, these were household names. Our conversations about police were typically not positive. 

My very first memory of police was at the age of 6. In 1997, Haitian-American, Abner Louima was arrested outside of Club Rendez-Vous in Brooklyn, NY by NYPD. On the ride to the station, the 4 arresting officers beat Louima with their fists, nightsticks, and hand-held police radios. On arriving at the station house, they had Louima strip-searched and put in a holding cell. The beating continued later, culminating with Louima being sexually assaulted in a bathroom at the 70th Precinct station house in Brooklyn. Volpe kicked Louima in the testicles, and while Louima's hands were cuffed behind his back, he first grabbed onto and squeezed his testicles and then sexually assaulted him with a broken broomstick. According to trial testimony, Volpe walked through the precinct holding the bloody, excrement-stained instrument in his hand, bragging to a police sergeant that he "took a man down tonight." Louima's teeth were also badly damaged in the attack when the broom handle was jammed into his mouth. The day after the incident, police took Louima to the emergency department at Coney Island Hospital. Escorting officers explained away his serious injuries, saying they were the result of "abnormal homosexual activities." An ER nurse, Magalie Laurent, suspecting that Louima's extreme injuries were not the result of consensual sex, notified Louima's family and the Police Department's Internal Affairs Bureau of the likelihood that he had been sexually assaulted and beaten in custody. Louima suffered severe internal damage to his colon and bladder in the attack, which required three major operations to repair. He was hospitalized for two months after the incident. This is my first conscious memory involving police. At the age of 6 this is what I knew police did. I remember my mother explaining to me that police in this country were not our friends, and I should avoid contact with them if possible. I remember before every road trip, my dad always prayed for “no altercations with police.” It eventually felt like a vain repetition, but I knew why he did it. My next conscious memory of police came in the 4th or 5th grade. My elementary school was instituting a program that was meant to help find students in the event that they were kidnapped. All of the students were to be fingerprinted and entered into a database, so that if they were taken, but managed to leave behind fingerprints, investigators would be able to match their prints and positively identify where the child had been. I came home with the permission slip to be signed by parents, and my mother’s response was a harsh no. I was told that under no circumstances was I to allow any police officers to take my fingerprints. I would not be the poor little black boy whose fingerprints got taken from the database and planted on a crime scene in order to close a case with no leads. From elementary school I knew that the police were not my friends. 

What I’ve learned over the last few weeks is that my white friends have never heard of Abner Louima, and had no to little idea that the history between black people and police has been far less than ideal. To be completely honest, I’ve been shocked to hear that so many white people thought racism was over or that equality is more than a theoretical ideal. On paper, we’ve been equal only since Barbara Walters was 39 years old. In real world application we are still fighting for those equalities. I suppose white people can’t be completely blamed for their ignorance to the issues facing Black America. Our public schooling education has failed to educate our children on the history of Black Americans. If my parents hadn't taught me more than what I learned in history class all I would know is that black people were slaves, and then they weren’t. Black people couldn’t vote, and then they could. If you took Humanities I suppose you would’ve also learned about Langston Hughes. That’s really it though. To learn about black history, black trials, black successes you have to look elsewhere. It’s quite sad. I encourage everyone to watch the Netflix documentary, 13th. It details the history of slavery, and how it is still legal under today’s Constitution. 

Following the murder of Trayvon Martin in 2013, Black Lives Matter started as organization to eradicate white supremacy in all forms. The mission has never changed. In 2016, the movement again caught national attention when Colin Kaepernick began kneeling during the National Anthem. The reason many of us have become so frustrated with white people is because we have been trying to bring attention to these issues for years, long before Black Lives Matter. We asked for help reaching equality with a movement called Black Lives Matter, and we were met with, “No, all lives matter.” We tried to peacefully protest, and instead of asking, “Why are they kneeling? Why are they protesting?” We were met with, “You’re disrespectful to the country and the military.” Finally, when the country has been literally set on fire people are asking “What’s been going on?” I have been personally frustrated because it took this to get the attention of my white friends and associates. Please know that the help and support that the movement is experiencing now is much needed and certainly appreciated, but when you encounter people who are frustrated, upset, or even angry with white people you’ll have a glimpse into why.

Don't Forget To Write Things Down

What's going on everybody? Here we are at week 2 of these music updates. First of all I'd like to say that I almost forgot to even write this, which feels kind of like a failure, but since I remembered I'm feeling like it's a learning opportunity. 

WRITE THINGS DOWN!

When I don't write something down I almost immediately forget about it. So I have a running checklist in the notes section of my phone to remind me of what I'm supposed to be doing. "Write Weekly Blog Post" is now on the list. 

As a refresher the point of this blog is two-fold. The first purpose is to keep everyone up to date with what I'm doing day-to-day in music. It's kind of a behind the scenes look at what goes on. The second purpose is to keep me accountable. I've found that if I announce something I have a higher chance of actually getting it done as opposed to stewing over it for weeks. So, here we go!

Last Tuesday and Thursday, I had my friend Joe Latu come over to do some writing and record some demos for a potential project. I can't announce what that project is yet, because I haven't totally secured it. The last thing I want to do is announce something and then find out that it's not even going to happen. As far as the music is concerned though even if the project doesn't pan out I'll still release the music. It's some really great stuff. I'm trying to get back to my R&B roots, so I think you'll enjoy this new music. 

Speaking of getting back to R&B, and I can't remember if I wrote about this last week so forgive me if I'm repeating myself, but I think 2017 was a really cool exploratory phase for me. I got to release a pretty good amount of music in 4 months and learn about myself as an artist and songwriter. I'm biased, but Closer is a beautiful song. I think it's a good representation of who I am as an artist. Fall Asleep With You, features some of my favorite songwriting. The production decisions Chance Clift and I made, were a bit left of center of my R&B roots, but I think the song is great. Annie was fantastic, and I think she'll really shine on the acoustic version. We'll probably release that in February. Dirty Diana and Bad Moon Rising were a lot of fun to create and are tons of fun to perform. Definitely not R&B, but offer a nice tempo change from what comes most naturally to me, 60-75 bpm. I don't think I'll do much more in that style, in the near future, but I won't completely cancel it out by any means. My favorite cover, and the lane I want to really stick with was the Weight In Gold cover I did with James VIII. That song has so much soul and rhythm. It makes you move, but also makes you feel. That's the feel that I'm going for this year. R&B is the music I listen to most, and definitely the music I want to make. So I got to experiment in 2017, but 2018 I'll really be focusing on my genre. 

Later on Tuesday I went down to Provo to work with Chance Clift. He executives produces most of the music I do. Right now we're working on a record for spring. It's this fun bouncy track that doesn't start out that way at all. It was a co-write with my buddy Sean. It's called Amaze Me, and I think I'll be releasing that one in Spring. It's too much fun for Winter. Also, James The Mormon is featured on that record. I dig it a lot. 

I mentioned last week that I'll be performing on Park City TV on Feb. 8th, so Thursday I was in Provo again with Sean and Will preparing for that. Since I've started taking music seriously, preparation has been something that's new to me. When music was just a hobby I didn't really have to prepare for gigs or shows, because there was no pressure. Now that it is a paycheck There's a totally different approach. At the end of the day an unprepared performance could be the difference between a paycheck and a missed opportunity. So anyway, preparing is new and fun at the same time. 

On the business end I've been working with my manager Haley to secure sponsors. I don't mean this to be discouraging to anyone but in my experience it takes money to produce, and distribute great art. Studio time, producers, music videos, videographers, photographers, websites, marketers, publicity, etc. Right now we're working on putting together an intimate event for social media influencers featuring a dinner and an acoustic set. We've got some really cool sponsors that are already interested, so it's just a matter of putting the pieces together. That is what Haley is good at, me not so much. 

We're also working on shooting a music video for my cover of "Lay Me Down" ft. James VIII. Tentatively, we'll be shooting on the 29th. So stay tuned for that video. I'm so excited about this cover. It's simple and beautiful. James also turned me on to Salt Lake City Music Con. It's a convention over the first weekend in February, and I may be doing a set there. I haven't heard back from them 100% yet, but once I do I'll post about it. 

Lastly, I'm always writing and working with other artists. I'll be featuring on or writing with Jenn Blosil, Frank Zoo, James The Mormon, and Hooligin within the coming weeks and months.

I'll be back next week with updates. Thanks for keeping me accountable everybody!

- J 

My Personality Flaw

Let me start by explaining this personality flaw that I have. For some reason, I get things done so much more efficiently if I know people are waiting on me. It's not enough for me to have a self-given deadline. I need the public to know the deadline. If I know other people are expecting something from me, I'll get it done. When I'm left to my own devices I get sidetracked, bored, or talk myself out of whatever I'm supposed to be doing. It's a flaw I haven't been able to shake since like 7th grade. For this reason I'll be blogging about my music career. If I know people are waiting on a weekly blog post about what I've done that week in music, I'll actually get things done. The pressure of having to give the people what they want will make me do the work I'm supposed to be doing during the week. 

So I think the format for these posts will be giving an accounting of what I've done this past week, and what I plan to do next week. Then the next post I'll let you know if I hit my goals, why or not. I'll keep writing until I win a Grammy. Which brings me to my first and really only goal. I want to be nominated for a Grammy. I figure if I'm nominated for a Grammy the rest of my life must be going pretty well (assuming I haven't lost sight of everything that matters, lost my family, friends, and sense of self while in the process of pursuing this Grammy). So the plot of this blog is me trying to figure out how to get nominated for a Grammy. That's the goal. That's what we're working towards. Every week we'll see how much closer (or further) I am from being Grammy nominated. 

I'll introduce the characters in my life as we go, but for now let's just jump in. Last Tuesday I performed at Hillcrest High School's Hope Assembly. It's an assembly aimed to promote hope and prevent suicide. Honestly, since I've been out of high school for 9 years now I forgot how emotional of a time high school is. That's where we really start forming our opinions, and deciding how we view the world. High school kids have a lot of wisdom that I think gets clouded sometimes by the insignificant things like who didn't like their pic on Instagram, but there's certainly a lot of high level thinking going on down there in the trenches os adolescence. Performing at Hillcrest was great. It gave me the idea of contacting other high schools and seeing if I could speak and perform at their assemblies. It's a really a win-win. Speaking to a young impressionable audience, hopefully being an inspiration, and gaining some new fans/followers. So this next week I'm going to figure out what type of assembly I could offer schools and then reach out. I don't know what types of budgets high schools have for guests speakers/performers, but even if it's nothing the experience will be worth it. 

Some of you may have heard a cover I did with James VIII, Weight In Gold. That's probably my favorite cover I've done so far. Anyway, this week he and I got in the studio to do a follow-up record. We're doing a cover of Lay Me Down by Sam Smith. I love working with James. He's crazy talented, and just super cool. I think we'll release this one with a video at the end of this month. I'm excited for you all to hear it. I posted a little sneak peak the other day. I'll link it HERE. This next week I'll be planning and scheduling the video shoot. So I think this is the last cover I'll do for awhile. I'd really like to focus on original music in 2018. That's not to say I'll never do another cover, but I definitely want to get out these original jams. 

This week one of the dopest pianists I've ever worked with moved to Utah. Joe Latu is from the Bay area, and I met him while serving as a missionary for the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints. He's one fo those guys that hears a song once and can just start playing it perfectly. I'm crazy excited that he's out here now. We've already planned to get together this next week to start writing some new music. I want to release an EP this year, and I think you'll get to hear a lot of Joe's work on it. So next week I'll let you know how our writing session goes. 

On Feb. 8th I'll be on Park City TV doing a live performance and giving a short interview. So this week I got together with two of my buddies to practice a quick 3 song acoustic set. I think we'll do Weight In Gold, Fall Asleep With You, and Closer. Sean Rooney (keys) and Will Kim (guitar) are two of my good friends from back home that are both amazing musicians. We've been jamming together for a few years now and always have so much fun when we perform together. I think it's cool to be able to bring your "day one" friends with you on the journey. As it get's closer to the TV appearance I'll post about it, so you guys can tune-in on-air or online. 

The last notable thing I did this week pertaining to music was a phone call with my manager Haley Conley, and a brand developer Tori McClellan. Right now we're really trying to hone in on my brand messaging so we can put together a brand guide. Tori asked me a lot of questions about what I want to communicate to the world and it was a really introspective activity. We came up with a mission statement that I think sums up who I am, and what i represent so perfectly. 

"Life is hard, but it's worth it."

Over the next few days and weeks we'll be developing a really clear snapshot of my brand and then we'll move on to how to visually represent that. I'm excited to have a cohesive look and feel to my entire brand. 

Well, I'll let you guys know how everything goes next week, and if we're any closer to getting nominated for that Grammy. 

- J

I'm Running For President

I have 3 goals: win a Grammy, start a political party for Americans in the "middle", not left or right, run for President in 2028.

Debut single releases 10/12. Idk if that one is the Grammy winner but I think it's an amazing song. It's called Closer and it's relatable. Nov. I'll release a single featuring my beautiful and talented wife Annie. She'll come in clutch on the harmonies and again I think you will be able to relate to that one as well. It's called Fall Asleep With You. Also the video for Closer is 🔥 directed by Cameron Gade. Dec. I'll release another single featuring James The Mormon and simultaneously release an 8 track EP/album. Not sure if 8 tracks is an album or EP. I'll figure that out when we get there I guess. The whole goal of the album is to attract industry eyes. I want the big players in the industry to know who I am because of that album. After that we'll figure out what the next moves in music are. For now that's as far as I've planned. Obviously I'll be reaching out to every blog/writer/reviewer/human I can to get them to listen to the record but as far as marketing I'm hoping you guys will just like it and show your friends/family. Now in the meantime I've got to start a new political party because I think it's pretty apparent that the two party system that we've been using has run its course. The parties are so polarized that they ostracize more voters than they truly represent. They'll say anything that is extreme just to be an opposing force to the other side. I'd be willing to bet that a party built on the idea that most voters live somewhere in the middle would be successful. The (Middleist Party?) first needs a better name, and second would seek to make honest compromise, work with other parties, be transparent in its decision making factors, and NEVER CUT PEOPLE OFF DURING DEBATES! That one is oddly important to me. The party would recognize that realistic expectations have to be set when it comes to the office of President, or any elected office. It would recognize that the US has an obligation to help other countries because their citizens are humans too, but would also understand that you can't barge in to your neighbors house and tell them how to live their lives. Party aligners would understand that they don't always know what the best course of action is and that mistakes will be made. No one is perfect and everyone gets it wrong sometimes. The party would agree that Black Lives Matter and that obviously All Lives Matter. We would help both sides see that the argument isn't about who's life matters but rather that a group of people feel like their lives haven't mattered. If any of us feel like we don't matter than we obviously have a problem. The same principle goes for individuals. If you know someone that feels like their life doesn't matter it's only human to help them feel otherwise. The point is we'd help citizens look outside of themselves and ask questions first before offering an opinion. The party would quicker tweet about the millions of citizens left without power instead of who decided to kneel at an NFL game. The party would understand that protestors kneeling during the Anthem are not anti-America but are protesting police brutality and drawing attention to the matter in the best way they know how. The party would also understand that some if not many will find the action of kneeling during the Anthem offensive/disrespectful. We would direct the conversation to fixing the issue of police brutality so that people won't have to kneel during the Anthem. Thus limiting the amount of people who will be offended by that form of protest. The party would understand that national security is an extremely important matter not to be taken lightly, and that the country does have enemies who will try to enter the country and harm US citizens. It would also understand that not everyone from "enemy" countries are enemies. There are honest and good people from every country who want to a better life in America. We would greet hardworking immigrants from all over the world with open arms who have the same dream our forefathers did. We would work proactively with the governments of neighboring countries to limit illegal immigration. There is a correct/orderly way to emigrate & there are also extenuating circumstances that have to be considered when dealing with people escaping horrible circumstances. We would help the poor/underprivileged to better themselves. We would teach them to fish! We would recognize that no two people have the same amount of privilege and it will take varying degrees of effort by all to become successful. We would help others recognize that helping the underprivileged succeed can be done without taking food from our families mouths. We would understand that compromises have to be made and that no one person, group, or party can or should have it their way 100% of the time. So I once I start that party I'll run for president in 2028. I'll be 37 by that time and will hopefully already have won my Grammy. If I win we'll go about running with open ears and trying our best to make the country a safe place where citizens are set up to live to their full potential!

What's a Genre Anyway?

I wonder how many different genres and sub-genres of music I've listened to in the 25 years I've been on earth. I started with Calypso, Soca & Reggae on Saturday mornings because my parents are from the Caribbean. Then I remember Whitney Houston's belt "And I will always love you!" Michael Jackson's Dangerous was my introduction to the electric guitar. Middle was school, and the early 2000's in general, was a strange time. Green Day, Megadeth, Ja Rule, 50 Cent, Avril Lavigne, Snoop Dogg, Fall Out Boy, and a few Broadway musicals littered my Limewire downloads. (That computer didn't make it to the late 2000's) Freshman and Sophomore year of high school consisted of whatever was on the radio. 07-08 was all Hyphy. The Carter 3 marked my senior year. College started the day with Vampire Weekend and Bloc Party, transitioned to Club Bangers, and ended the nights with The Weeknd and Frank Ocean. John Legend has always had a place on any playlist of mine, and recently Prince's catalogue has emerged. It's been quite the game of musical chairs when it comes to what's #NowPlaying. 

Now that I write my own music I find influence and inspiration in almost everything. The quandary I've found myself in is the concept of continuity. How left is too left of center? How many genres can one artist exist in? Do you release everything you write and hope a pattern appears or figure out what you like and release only the gems from that lane? If you like all of it can you do all of it? Is that confusing to the listener? What's the difference between a one trick pony and a niche artist? How did Drake give us Hotline Bling and F*ck Up Some Commas? Did Beyoncé truly have the best album of 2009? Well we know the answer to that last one, but whatever. 

I decided to ask two friends what they thought about continuity. 

One of my best friends since 9th grade, Matt, is more or less tone deaf. Can't sing a note to save his life. Don't feel bad for him though - he's prepping for med school so he'll be fine. Even though he can't sing for anything Matt can pick out good music. I trust his taste. He's the perfect test group because he lives outside of the creative process but can spot an L when he hears one. 

Matt: 

"I think you walk a fine line if you start releasing in different genres. On one hand some people will appreciate the talent it takes to exist and produce good music in different genres. But I think that number is smaller than the amount of people you could attract by staying true to one genre. Especially as you are starting out. Further down the road when you are famous and have millions of people who love you, you have much more freedom to switch things up ... I think genre and the tone of a song are very different. You're allowed to have happy and sad songs."

My other friend, James The Mormon, is completely involved in the creative process and has the most entrepreneurial mind I've ever met. He can form a viable business plan in a matter of minutes and knows what works. 

James:

"I think that now a days that doesn't matter. It keeps people guessing. Genres are dead. Make stuff that sounds good."

What do you think? I don't know if there is a right answer, but I'd love to hear yours. 

Thanks,

Jay

Race Relations in America: A Romantic Drama

Dear Everyone,

Today I want to solve one of countries long standing issues:

Race Relations in America

In order to solve this centuries long problem we're going to look at race relations in America through the lens of a romantic drama. Hollywood and reality television have taught me quite a bit about relationships, so I figure if we look at the relationships between different races like we look at romantic relationships we could make some serious progress. 

Understand that while writing this post I'm making a few assumptions about my readership. I assume we all agree that there is a race issue in the United States. I assume that we all have different views on what those issues are, but again do not deny the existence of the issues. I assume that we all want to fix these issues. I assume that some do not have ideas on how to fix these issues, and that those who do have ideas on fixing our issues will present a spectrum of solutions. I assume that we don't blame any single person, event or race for these issues. Lastly, I assume that none of us have the ability to directly affect an entire race, but rather we have the ability to directly affect the people around us. Okay, let's do this. 

According to Grey's Anatomy, a healthy and mutually beneficial relationship has a few key characteristics — both parties feel validated, both parties feel most of their expectations are being met, both parties need to have separate and common interests, both parties need to respect each other, neither party takes advantage of or manipulates the other, and both parties recognize that it's okay to disagree. I'm 100% positive that there are other characteristics of a healthy relationship, but I'm going to focus on these specific ones. 

In a relationship we need to feel validated. Feeling validated entails feeling like someone else is listening to you with genuine interest and is acknowledging the information you're giving them. Imagine having a significant other who never really listened to what you were saying. Whenever you talked about how you were feeling or what happened at work that day they answered with a halfhearted "Uh huh" and then asked you to pass the remote control. I doubt your relationship would last long. Too often, especially on social media, this is the case between the races. Too many posts, tweets and comments fall on deaf ears. Personally, I don't feel like I've validated any of my Native American friends during what seems to be a very controversial time for them, surrounding Standing Rock. Although I have almost no knowledge of what the situation is I can validate my Native American friend Abe, by commenting on his Facebook post with a simple sentiment. 

"I don't know much about what's going on at Standing Rock, but I hope it gets resolved my friend. Love ya bro!"

I didn't give my opinion on the situation. I didn't counter whatever claim he is making. I didn't publicly agree or disagree with any of Abe's thoughts. All I did was let Abe know that I'm listening and that I consider him a friend. Too often in our relationships we jump to giving our opinion instead of validating the one we just heard. Validating someone else's thought just let's them know that you listened to what they had to say and you care. 

The next characteristic of a healthy relationship is having your expectations met. In order to have your expectations met you have to vocalize them. Making your expectations known can be difficult. You could just have an open conversation and explain what you expect out of the relationship, or you could put together some context clues. To improve race relations simply ask friends from a different culture what is important to them. Learning about what is important to them will give you a pretty good idea of what their expectations are. 

For example, I served an LDS mission in the Bay Area teaching and serving primarily Tongan people. I ate a lot of food. Because I now speak Tongan I have a lot of Polynesian friends. I've asked multiple Polynesian friends what are some things that are important to them and an answer that I always get is family. To say family is important in the Polynesian culture is an understatement. The Tongan word for family is an English cognate fāmili because there was no word in the language to describe ones immediate family. The idea of the nuclear family had to be introduced. Before western settlers there was only a word used to describe basically everyone you were related to. Knowing how important family, immediate or extended, is to many of my Polynesian friends gives me a pretty good idea of their expectations in a racial relationship. They expect me to respect their family commitments. They'd expect their community, city, state and country to uphold laws that protect the family. When those expectations aren't met that is when there is discord. We'll get to agreeing to disagree on things later, but for now just understand that a person needs to have most of their expectations met in a relationship. A few minor letdowns keeps us humble, but constant letdown will breaks any group or individual. 

An integral part of any relationship is common interests. I think it's important for both parties to have interests and hobbies that are their own, but also interests that are common and can be bonded over. My wife Annie is really into photography. If you haven't already, check out her photography Instagram. I'm not particularly passionate about photography but I think it's cool that Annie has her own thing. I am extremely passionate about music. Annie enjoys music also, but she knows how important the art form is to me. Separately, we both invest time in to our hobbies and interests. However, we also have things that we enjoy together. We both really like going to the movies. There's literally nothing better than movie popcorn and a cold Coke. Annie and I love going to the movies and love doing it together. It builds our relationship every time. Finding common interests is probably the easiest way to strengthen your relationship with anyone. What do your friends and acquaintances from other races enjoy doing? Have you ever tried what they like? Have you ever asked about what they're into? You don't have to ask like a creepy dude who's oddly interested in your coworkers private life, but the best way to improve race relations is to improve your relations. So just try. 

R-E-S-P-E-C-T

This characteristic of a good relationship should go without saying, so I'm not going to spend a ton of time here. In short if you've ever made a joke about someone's race that you wouldn't say to their face you haven't figured this one out. You'll get there soon though. I hope. 

Let's pause for a second and reinforce what we're trying to accomplish here. We're looking at race relations in America through the lens of a romantic drama. We're applying everything we know about good romantic relationships to relationships between the races. Okay, let's keep going. 

This brings us to our next characteristic — in a healthy relationship no one is taken advantage of. In a romantic relationship when we feel like someone is manipulating us or taking everything from us without giving back to the relationship we want out, and rightfully so. If you watch the news at all it seems like every race is being taken advantage of somehow. So what do we do? Make sure that we as individuals aren't taking advantage of the people around us. If it's difficult for you give a black guy with dreads the benefit of the doubt, change. If it's hard for you to trust white people, change. If you automatically assume because someone doesn't speak English they are less intelligent, change. These aren't heinous acts of racism, but they add to our issue of race relations and set us up to take advantage of each other. 

Lastly, it's okay to disagree. If there's anything I've learned from reality television romance it's that it's okay to disagree. Having our own opinions is what makes the world better. What isn't okay is calling your wife stupid because her idea is different than yours, or commenting on your husband's Facebook status that he's an ignorant fool if he thinks this idea will work. We just wouldn't do it. So why do we do it to our friends? If someone from a different race has a differing opinion it's okay. There's no need to get angry. Simply agree to disagree and keep moving. Resist the urge to comment the first thing that comes to your mind on Facebook. Trust me. It's better this way. 

In short, look at the relationships you have with people of other races. Are you helping or hurting our race relations issue? If you realize you're hurting it don't beat yourself up. Just do better. Personally, I have to stop making so many jokes about the crazy things I think white people do. So, don't worry. You're not alone. 

See you guys later,

Jay

I'm Starting a Blog!

Hey Everyone,

I'm starting a blog and doing it for a few reasons. 

1. I need to keep some type of journal. 

2. I have things to say that I think people will find interesting, thought provoking, funny and sometimes inspiring. 

3. I heard bloggers get free stuff. 

It's my understanding that most blogs have a specific topic or genre. I have no idea what lane my blog will find its home in, mostly because I don't know what lane my own life is in. 

I'm a LDS black man, raised by immigrant parents, who moved every 3-4 years, currently living in Utah, married to a white girl, who is pregnant with our first child, that will grow up in a time where everything his/her grandparents knew is now backwards. My West Indian parents raised my sister and I in the suburbs, where, solely based off looks, I didn't fit in. In 7th grade I had to learn Black culture from my Baptist friend down the street because my parents grew up cooking ackee and salt fish instead of cornbread and collard greens. I first heard 50 Cent the same year I was introduced to Megadeth. The track listing on my, Limewire curated, burned CD's sounded like a commercial teaser for the 2004 MTV Awards — featuring performances from Snoop Dogg, Lil Bow Wow, Sean Paul, Evanescence, Incubus and Ja Rule. Looking back it was a confusing time, but I was none the wiser. 

Fast forward about a decade and here we are. 

I've been put in the fortunate and curious position of viewing cultures, ethnicities, socioeconomics and religions from the lens of the kid that had to learn to fit in. If you ask any military kid, they could tell you how important it is to be able to blend in. Learning new slang, new cultures and new perspectives were a must. Learning them quickly was a given. My K-12 experience seemed like a discourse on The Life and Times of Chameleons more than anything else. What I'm saying is that I became really good at seeing the world through everyone else's eyes, so good that sometimes I wasn't sure if I'd ever seen the world with my own eyes. Now, at 25 years old, I've realized that seeing the world through borrowed lenses has given me a much wider view on society and it's many parts than I could have ever garnered on my own. 

I'm starting a blog and I'm not 100% sure what genre it belongs in or where it will go. All I can promise is that it will be an adventure. I hope you subscribe below and stick around to enjoy it with me. 

Thanks,

Jay